Hanging There...Part III

Alone without a body...I realised I was inside of mine.  I was inside of my womb.  Everything was still and quiet.  Suspended there, I felt a 'fluttering' ...as if something were moving inside of me.  Within my womb.  I could see a warm glowing light filtering in through the walls.  I could see the blood pulsing through my own veins and capillaries.  The inside of my skin around my abdomen ...stretched around this moving cluster.  What was that?...A baby?  twins?...No.  I saw something silver shimmer for an instant.  I moved closer.  This cannot be right.  Fish?  Several long silver and black fish pressed tightly to eachother ...and moving.  I could not help but feel a sense of motherly affection for them.  It was if I was checking in to see if they rested safe and sound in thier bed.  It was at this moment I felt them move again and I was pulled out of my own body...I was pulled out and I was suddenly in my own body, years before. Many many years.  My old apartment.  I was laying there on the bed, my heart racing...laying next to ....I swallowed hard and rolled away from him.  I placed a hand over my belly where I knew there wasn't anything growing inside...though I was still feeling the phantom movements.  How it ached....emotionally.  I felt myself sob listening to the dinosaur computer 'whirr' from the desk.  Did he know?  Did he know I despised his presence?  Did I even know....then?  I just wanted him to fall in love with someone else.  It would have been easier.  My guilt would not have existed then.  He would know what it was like.  He would have wished me well.  I don't know why I stayed when I had wanted out the moment I was in.  It would have been easier.  Life is hard.  I clutched my belly and slammed my eyes shut as I felt myself being drawn into the bed....Spinning now in darkness.  The spinning ceases and I find my conciousness peering out from behind a few trunks.  He stands before me angry...next to him....my heart stopped beating as I could see betrayal and hurt and anger...who was once my lover.  He was now along side ...Him.  I reached out....with my mind....though I could tell the seeds of doubt had already been planted.  There was nothing I could do but relive the agony I had forgotten.  I wanted to die all over again.  The whole world turned red and there was no one to blame but myself.  It was so cold.  The look in his eyes ripped my heart apart as if it were tissue paper...Those words he wrote ...I still had them...perhaps to remind myself of where I never want to be again.  There was nothing left of me at that moment and my conciousness took me...darkness.